Posted in Free Writing, Uncategorized

Am I?

I am in a constant “Am I…?” battle with myself. 

  • Am I spending enough time with the kids?
  • Am I getting enough alone time?
  • Am I giving my all in my career?
  • Am I making enough effort?
  • Am I being a part of my relationship enough?
  • Am I too chubby?
  • Am I being a bitch?
  • Am I being too nice?
  • Am I meditating enough?
  • Am I drinking enough water?
  • Am I getting enough sleep? (NO.)
  • Am I getting enough exercise?

Then there are the deeper ones:

  • Am I okay?
  • Am I crazy?
  • Am I psychotic?
  • Am I going to make it?
  • Am I worthy?
  • Am I enough?

Life is a strange wonder…

…But a wonder it is.

Posted in Books Read, Free Writing

Sarah’s Key by Tatiana De Rosnay

So I read this book Sarah’s Key by Tatiana De Rosnay. This was another one of my garage sale find books. Here is some background based off the back cover description:

Paris, July 1942: Sarah, a ten-year-old girl, is taken with her parents by the French police as they go door-to-door arresting Jewish families in the middle of the night.  Desperate to protect her younger brother, Sarah locks him in a bedroom cupboard — their secret hiding place — and promises to come back for him as soon as they are released.

Sixty Years Later:  Sarah’s story intertwines with that of Julia Jarmond, an American journalist investigating the roundup. In her research, Julia stumbles onto a trail of secrets that link her to Sarah, and to questions about her own romantic future.

This story was very full of sorrow. It had it’s beautiful points, but it was so full of sadness. I held onto the end of each page continuing to turn them and read as you just HAD to find out. Yet none of it was what you’d expect. This story is so interesting not only how the stories of two people intertwine like they do, but also because it gives you some insight into the Holocaust and events that took place most people still do not know about. I do love how the Author titled this as I feel the key Sarah carries in the story symbolizes the pain she carried throughout her life. If you read this book, be prepared to be full of emotion.

 

Posted in Books Read

Room by Emma Donoghue

This was another of my garage sale finds! I have never read anything quite like Room by Emma Donoghue. Here is the description:

“To Five-year-old Jack, room is the world. It’s where he was born it’s where he and his Ma eat and sleep and play and learn. There are endless wonders that let loose Jack’s imagination — the snake under Bed that he constructs out of eggshells, the imaginary world projected through the TV, the coziness of Wardrobe below Ma’s clothes, where she tucks him in safely at night in case Old Nick comes. Room is home to Jack, but to Ma it’s the prison where she has been held since she was nineteen — for seven years. Through her fierce love for her son, she has created a life for him in that eleven-by-eleven-foot space. But Jack’s curiosity is building alongside her own desperation — and she knows that Room cannot contain either much longer.  Told in the poignant and funny voice of Jack, Room is a story of unconquerable love in harrowing circumstances, and of the diamond-hard bond between a mother and her child. It is a shocking, exhilarating, and riveting novel — but always deeply human and always moving. Room is a place you will never forget.”

So I was not sure what to expect before I embarked on this read. There isn’t a whole lot I can say without spoiling half of the novel so bear with me!

This story was so hard to pry away from because so many big events popped up and happened that you just did not expect, or you weren’t sure how they were going to play out! It consistently kept me on my toes, which is why it was hard to find a good stopping point before putting it down if  I had to do something. It also put into perspective just how difficult things are for those in this world (real life rather) who have these situations happen to them. You will fall in love with Jack, and also be amazed at how his mother did all she did to try to give him as much normalcy as possible. At first, it is hard to understand Jack’s imagination, and what he is describing, but after a few pages, you get used to his way of thinking/describing things.

Some people may say they wished to see some of the mother’s point of view, but I feel there are other novels out there that show an adult’s point of view being held captive, and less of those of a child’s point of view. I feel it was very brave and different of the author to do that.

Overall, there isn’t much more I can say that wouldn’t spoil the storyline! You will understand if you read it yourself why that is. I definitely recommend this novel!

 

Posted in Books Read

Little Bee by Chris Cleave 

“…I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.” Page 9

I found some books at an estate sale, 5 to be exact, and all I paid was .75 cents TOTAL. Little Bee by Chris Cleave was one of these books. Just within the first few pages I was hooked as the above quote set well with me. The rest of this story is just as beautiful. 

There were events discussed that were hard to read for a super empathetic person like myself, but I understand there is more to this book than the story. Events like these, even if this story is not based on true events, really happen in real life. I urge you to read this if you do not understand illegal immigration, or even immigration in general. I don’t mean the definition of it, I mean the refugees behind it. This will tug at your heartstrings, but it is such a captivating story. I could have easily read it in one day (I read more than half in the first day), but when you have little ones running around reading half is a feat in itself! I did however finish it the very next day! It is hard to put down once you pick it up! 

I wish I could share this book to everyone I meet! Instead, I will share it here, and recommend you read it! ❤️

Posted in Free Writing

No one cares about you until they’re at your death ceremony. 

Warning, very personal post.

On my way home from work yesterday, depression struck again. Before you start, yes, I am on medication. Clearly it does not always help. Depression medication is more of an aid, in my opinion. It’s a little push to get you through. Either mine hasn’t been pushing at all, or depression decided to kung fu kick it’s ass back down. Suddenly, I feel just how empty the void is inside of me is that I try so desperately to fill throughout my time awake. Writing, blogging, reading, journaling, dancing, music, meditation, yoga, eating better, going out of my comfort zone and trying new things, yada yada yada nothing is a cure. I am trying to find ways to help myself, because it really seems like no one can actually help me. What happens when you feel like you can no longer help yourself though?

I am always the person who is goofy and finds a way to turn life into humor. I’m the funny one. (Not to everyone, just the people who tolerate me.) However, when someone is down or having a hard time, I am there. I understand. I do my best to try to help in any way that person needs me. I have talked people out of committing suicide. I have dropped my plans to jump in to help someone else’s. I figure anyone would do that, right? Sadly, I am wrong. Where is ‘anyone’ when I need them? Now, again, before you say “well maybe you’re being subtle, people can’t read minds!” You are correct, they cannot, which is why I am straightforward and to the point. “I’m really not in my right mind mentally…”, “I really just cannot seem to get out of this feeling…”, “I really wish I could just end it all, but I have my children to take care of and think about, that would be selfish…” You know what I get? NO RESPONSE. IGNORED. When shit gets real, no one wants to face the music for someone who has been there when they turned theirs up!

Some may say “well, just stop being there for them…”, or “don’t associate with those people…” I’m too much of a caring person to just stop. It takes a lot. But lately, I am so drained I don’t know what I am going to do. Especially since it seems no one truly cares enough…

Posted in Free Writing, Uncategorized

Life Cycle

If a picture is worth a thousand words, why do we even bother talkin’
We scream profanities in each others’ face just cause we’re always arguin’
Why do we have to be the same just to get along?
Why do we all have hate just ’cause we all got somethin’ different goin’ on
You see we all live under the same sky, sharin’ the same atmosphere
We all may be a little different, but we all deserve to be here
So next time you see someone’s pain hidin’ behind their eyes
Tell ’em keep their head up, there’s more to life than what meets the eye

Posted in Free Writing

All These Thoughts

If you write something on a blank wall, and then paint over it, the writing will still remain somewhere underneath. Would you say we are painting over our old selfs as each year passes? On each birthday we get a new layer of paint, covering up our past self. They always remain as memories still somewhere under all the newer layers. Whenever these memories surface, it’s mostly in dreams. When we sleep, all these layers haunt our heads, good and bad. What if currently we are not actually real. We are just a thought in someone’s mind, or a dream they are seeing. When we finally die, they wake up. But what would be the point of that? Or really, what is the point of life? We live just to find the answers to these questions. By the time we find out, our time has expired. But where do our souls go? That is the only question that can never be answered here on Earth.