Posted in Free Writing, Uncategorized

Am I?

I am in a constant “Am I…?” battle with myself. 

  • Am I spending enough time with the kids?
  • Am I getting enough alone time?
  • Am I giving my all in my career?
  • Am I making enough effort?
  • Am I being a part of my relationship enough?
  • Am I too chubby?
  • Am I being a bitch?
  • Am I being too nice?
  • Am I meditating enough?
  • Am I drinking enough water?
  • Am I getting enough sleep? (NO.)
  • Am I getting enough exercise?

Then there are the deeper ones:

  • Am I okay?
  • Am I crazy?
  • Am I psychotic?
  • Am I going to make it?
  • Am I worthy?
  • Am I enough?

Life is a strange wonder…

…But a wonder it is.

Posted in Books Read, Free Writing

Sarah’s Key by Tatiana De Rosnay

So I read this book Sarah’s Key by Tatiana De Rosnay. This was another one of my garage sale find books. Here is some background based off the back cover description:

Paris, July 1942: Sarah, a ten-year-old girl, is taken with her parents by the French police as they go door-to-door arresting Jewish families in the middle of the night.  Desperate to protect her younger brother, Sarah locks him in a bedroom cupboard — their secret hiding place — and promises to come back for him as soon as they are released.

Sixty Years Later:  Sarah’s story intertwines with that of Julia Jarmond, an American journalist investigating the roundup. In her research, Julia stumbles onto a trail of secrets that link her to Sarah, and to questions about her own romantic future.

This story was very full of sorrow. It had it’s beautiful points, but it was so full of sadness. I held onto the end of each page continuing to turn them and read as you just HAD to find out. Yet none of it was what you’d expect. This story is so interesting not only how the stories of two people intertwine like they do, but also because it gives you some insight into the Holocaust and events that took place most people still do not know about. I do love how the Author titled this as I feel the key Sarah carries in the story symbolizes the pain she carried throughout her life. If you read this book, be prepared to be full of emotion.

 

Posted in Free Writing

No one cares about you until they’re at your death ceremony. 

Warning, very personal post.

On my way home from work yesterday, depression struck again. Before you start, yes, I am on medication. Clearly it does not always help. Depression medication is more of an aid, in my opinion. It’s a little push to get you through. Either mine hasn’t been pushing at all, or depression decided to kung fu kick it’s ass back down. Suddenly, I feel just how empty the void is inside of me is that I try so desperately to fill throughout my time awake. Writing, blogging, reading, journaling, dancing, music, meditation, yoga, eating better, going out of my comfort zone and trying new things, yada yada yada nothing is a cure. I am trying to find ways to help myself, because it really seems like no one can actually help me. What happens when you feel like you can no longer help yourself though?

I am always the person who is goofy and finds a way to turn life into humor. I’m the funny one. (Not to everyone, just the people who tolerate me.) However, when someone is down or having a hard time, I am there. I understand. I do my best to try to help in any way that person needs me. I have talked people out of committing suicide. I have dropped my plans to jump in to help someone else’s. I figure anyone would do that, right? Sadly, I am wrong. Where is ‘anyone’ when I need them? Now, again, before you say “well maybe you’re being subtle, people can’t read minds!” You are correct, they cannot, which is why I am straightforward and to the point. “I’m really not in my right mind mentally…”, “I really just cannot seem to get out of this feeling…”, “I really wish I could just end it all, but I have my children to take care of and think about, that would be selfish…” You know what I get? NO RESPONSE. IGNORED. When shit gets real, no one wants to face the music for someone who has been there when they turned theirs up!

Some may say “well, just stop being there for them…”, or “don’t associate with those people…” I’m too much of a caring person to just stop. It takes a lot. But lately, I am so drained I don’t know what I am going to do. Especially since it seems no one truly cares enough…

Posted in Free Writing, Uncategorized

Life Cycle

If a picture is worth a thousand words, why do we even bother talkin’
We scream profanities in each others’ face just cause we’re always arguin’
Why do we have to be the same just to get along?
Why do we all have hate just ’cause we all got somethin’ different goin’ on
You see we all live under the same sky, sharin’ the same atmosphere
We all may be a little different, but we all deserve to be here
So next time you see someone’s pain hidin’ behind their eyes
Tell ’em keep their head up, there’s more to life than what meets the eye

Posted in Free Writing

All These Thoughts

If you write something on a blank wall, and then paint over it, the writing will still remain somewhere underneath. Would you say we are painting over our old selfs as each year passes? On each birthday we get a new layer of paint, covering up our past self. They always remain as memories still somewhere under all the newer layers. Whenever these memories surface, it’s mostly in dreams. When we sleep, all these layers haunt our heads, good and bad. What if currently we are not actually real. We are just a thought in someone’s mind, or a dream they are seeing. When we finally die, they wake up. But what would be the point of that? Or really, what is the point of life? We live just to find the answers to these questions. By the time we find out, our time has expired. But where do our souls go? That is the only question that can never be answered here on Earth.

Posted in Uncategorized

Gratitude 

the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
People always post about how they are ‘so thankful’, ‘so grateful’, ‘so blessed’, etc., but are they really? Or are we just saying it and not mentally checking within and spending the time to truly BE THANKFUL for what we have in our life? 

I am going to get a little personal. I had a breakdown this morning. Luckily my kids were not around to witness it. I just broke down and sobbed on my floor. I tried to figure out why I am feeling this way. I sat down and did some reflecting. I also did some meditating on my new Headspace App I mentioned in my previous post. Today’s session was about stop trying to push things into happening, just stop trying and it will happen. There were examples like – if you are trying too hard to fall asleep and trying to get comfortable you cannot, but at some point you drift away when you are not thinking about it. 

I then was flashed back to a time a few months ago when the word “Gratitude” was staring me in the face quite often. I would see it in an e-mail, I would see it on a social media post, but I never stopped to think it meant anything to me. Today I dug more into the word Gratitude and what it means. It made me realize that I need to practice this more. I always try to focus on the next “best thing”. I need to stop and live in the moment, and enjoy what I have. Just live and BE. 

I felt pulled to share this with you this morning. I hope you have a great day!

Posted in Uncategorized

Metanoia: the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.

I struggle with my world being shook when certain events happen without warning. What I mean by this is, any time some sort of change happens that interrupts whatever routine I have going on, my mind goes scattered and I get very off track.

When this happens, usually life as I know it gets altered in some form . Meaning I have to readjust and recreate a routine that works for me again. The past month has been like this, which explains me disappearing off of here for a hot moment.

So lately I have been making positive changes to my daily routine in hopes to create a new lifestyle. A better lifestyle. This does not mean the one I had was flawed. Throughout our life I feel as though we are constantly evolving. I am evolving, so I readjust as I feel necessary.

Currently, I am studying chakras, and crystals. I am still just on the first one: The Root. I have also begun practicing meditation using an app I discovered called Headspace (found in the Apple App Store if anyone wonders). To study the chakras, I am reading a book titled “Wheels of Life:A User’s Guide to the Chakra System” by Anodea Judith, PH.D.

I know this isn’t what I originally based this blog on, but I am trying not to bother myself with that and just let it all flow out. I am learning to take care of myself mentally as well as physically, because while it is good to do unto others, sometimes other do not do unto you. You cannot pour from an empty cup. I am learning this lesson, and working on it.

I am in the process of transforming my mind and soul. I want to learn how I tick, and what moves me. Life is such a mysterious journey. I want to uncover all it’s mysteries that I can while I have it. So maybe this wasn’t a book review. Maybe I just need an outlet, and my fingers lead me here.

UPDATE: I switched to a more modern chakra guide! I now am using Chakra Healing by Margarita Alcantara.