Warning, very personal post.
On my way home from work yesterday, depression struck again. Before you start, yes, I am on medication. Clearly it does not always help. Depression medication is more of an aid, in my opinion. It’s a little push to get you through. Either mine hasn’t been pushing at all, or depression decided to kung fu kick it’s ass back down. Suddenly, I feel just how empty the void is inside of me is that I try so desperately to fill throughout my time awake. Writing, blogging, reading, journaling, dancing, music, meditation, yoga, eating better, going out of my comfort zone and trying new things, yada yada yada nothing is a cure. I am trying to find ways to help myself, because it really seems like no one can actually help me. What happens when you feel like you can no longer help yourself though?
I am always the person who is goofy and finds a way to turn life into humor. I’m the funny one. (Not to everyone, just the people who tolerate me.) However, when someone is down or having a hard time, I am there. I understand. I do my best to try to help in any way that person needs me. I have talked people out of committing suicide. I have dropped my plans to jump in to help someone else’s. I figure anyone would do that, right? Sadly, I am wrong. Where is ‘anyone’ when I need them? Now, again, before you say “well maybe you’re being subtle, people can’t read minds!” You are correct, they cannot, which is why I am straightforward and to the point. “I’m really not in my right mind mentally…”, “I really just cannot seem to get out of this feeling…”, “I really wish I could just end it all, but I have my children to take care of and think about, that would be selfish…” You know what I get? NO RESPONSE. IGNORED. When shit gets real, no one wants to face the music for someone who has been there when they turned theirs up!
Some may say “well, just stop being there for them…”, or “don’t associate with those people…” I’m too much of a caring person to just stop. It takes a lot. But lately, I am so drained I don’t know what I am going to do. Especially since it seems no one truly cares enough…