Posted in Free Writing

No one cares about you until they’re at your death ceremony. 

Warning, very personal post.

On my way home from work yesterday, depression struck again. Before you start, yes, I am on medication. Clearly it does not always help. Depression medication is more of an aid, in my opinion. It’s a little push to get you through. Either mine hasn’t been pushing at all, or depression decided to kung fu kick it’s ass back down. Suddenly, I feel just how empty the void is inside of me is that I try so desperately to fill throughout my time awake. Writing, blogging, reading, journaling, dancing, music, meditation, yoga, eating better, going out of my comfort zone and trying new things, yada yada yada nothing is a cure. I am trying to find ways to help myself, because it really seems like no one can actually help me. What happens when you feel like you can no longer help yourself though?

I am always the person who is goofy and finds a way to turn life into humor. I’m the funny one. (Not to everyone, just the people who tolerate me.) However, when someone is down or having a hard time, I am there. I understand. I do my best to try to help in any way that person needs me. I have talked people out of committing suicide. I have dropped my plans to jump in to help someone else’s. I figure anyone would do that, right? Sadly, I am wrong. Where is ‘anyone’ when I need them? Now, again, before you say “well maybe you’re being subtle, people can’t read minds!” You are correct, they cannot, which is why I am straightforward and to the point. “I’m really not in my right mind mentally…”, “I really just cannot seem to get out of this feeling…”, “I really wish I could just end it all, but I have my children to take care of and think about, that would be selfish…” You know what I get? NO RESPONSE. IGNORED. When shit gets real, no one wants to face the music for someone who has been there when they turned theirs up!

Some may say “well, just stop being there for them…”, or “don’t associate with those people…” I’m too much of a caring person to just stop. It takes a lot. But lately, I am so drained I don’t know what I am going to do. Especially since it seems no one truly cares enough…

Posted in Free Writing, Uncategorized

Life Cycle

If a picture is worth a thousand words, why do we even bother talkin’
We scream profanities in each others’ face just cause we’re always arguin’
Why do we have to be the same just to get along?
Why do we all have hate just ’cause we all got somethin’ different goin’ on
You see we all live under the same sky, sharin’ the same atmosphere
We all may be a little different, but we all deserve to be here
So next time you see someone’s pain hidin’ behind their eyes
Tell ’em keep their head up, there’s more to life than what meets the eye

Posted in Books Read

All Grown Up by Jami Attenberg

This is a book that I will reread in the future. Books that I feel can have a different meaning to you at different points in your life are the books I say I will reread again. It was very enjoyable, and gives you a perspective of a non-traditional lifestyle. I related to this a lot, even though I am in a serious relationship and have children. It taught me that you shouldn’t care what outsiders think, just do your thing and life will happen to you as it always was supposed to happen. We all have different fates, different paths, different stories, and that is perfectly fine. There isn’t a handbook for life.

OK NOT BOOK REVIEW RELATED BUT:

I realized I don’t really have the patience for this book review thing. I’m currently still learning chakra healing (I’m working on my sacral plexus chakra now!) I have also done a beginners course in yoga, and decided to continue! I’m not very flexible, but I am hoping in time that changes some if I keep it up. I also have created a bullet journal and I love love love it! I believe it will be my new obsession. My problem is though, as maybe anyone who may be following me (doubt it but whatevs) has noticed: I tend to pick up things and put them down within a few weeks. I’m manic depressive and bipolar, plus a dash of other things, and yes, I am medicated, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have strange habits sometimes. I also have ADHD which is why this blog will be all over the place most likely…..oh and look at this! It started as a review and ended as this…interesting, but not really.

Posted in Uncategorized

Metanoia: the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.

I struggle with my world being shook when certain events happen without warning. What I mean by this is, any time some sort of change happens that interrupts whatever routine I have going on, my mind goes scattered and I get very off track.

When this happens, usually life as I know it gets altered in some form . Meaning I have to readjust and recreate a routine that works for me again. The past month has been like this, which explains me disappearing off of here for a hot moment.

So lately I have been making positive changes to my daily routine in hopes to create a new lifestyle. A better lifestyle. This does not mean the one I had was flawed. Throughout our life I feel as though we are constantly evolving. I am evolving, so I readjust as I feel necessary.

Currently, I am studying chakras, and crystals. I am still just on the first one: The Root. I have also begun practicing meditation using an app I discovered called Headspace (found in the Apple App Store if anyone wonders). To study the chakras, I am reading a book titled “Wheels of Life:A User’s Guide to the Chakra System” by Anodea Judith, PH.D.

I know this isn’t what I originally based this blog on, but I am trying not to bother myself with that and just let it all flow out. I am learning to take care of myself mentally as well as physically, because while it is good to do unto others, sometimes other do not do unto you. You cannot pour from an empty cup. I am learning this lesson, and working on it.

I am in the process of transforming my mind and soul. I want to learn how I tick, and what moves me. Life is such a mysterious journey. I want to uncover all it’s mysteries that I can while I have it. So maybe this wasn’t a book review. Maybe I just need an outlet, and my fingers lead me here.

UPDATE: I switched to a more modern chakra guide! I now am using Chakra Healing by Margarita Alcantara.